my nephews, my life preservers

I feel a sense of dread for the upcoming week but then again, I always do at this time of the year. I am trying really hard to remember to celebrate life this week and not remember all of the pain I went through. I have found that it really is theraputic to talk about what happened but sometimes people get tired of hearing how much I loved this boy and how much he loved me and how perfect we were, cancer or not. We really were perfect.

I am spending Friday with his mom, sister, dad and cousins because i am off due to Good Friday; which I am very grateful for that because it's usually a very hard day and images of rushing to the hospital instead of going to school, all of his and my family meeting at the hospital, saying good-bye, everyone but his mom, dad, sister, me and the chaplin leaving the room so we could finally give him peace by pulling the plug, watching him die in my arms, watching them take all of the tubes out and saying good bye forever to the love of my life. I don't know why but i felt the need to stop by my school (we went to different schools) and let my friends know what happened although, i'm sure they already knew...because somehow my softball coach knew, I know my friends had to go to the school counselor. I never went. i got my things and left and went to his school and sat by his locker because by then the school had found out and cut classes short. So his friends and i sat by his locker and received condolensces.

Before I found God, I did try to be with Corey in Heaven, a couple of times.

I now realize how many things I have to live for, a lot of things to be thankful for and a purpose in my life. I have so many things that I would have missed out on and would have never been a part of, places where I was really able to leave my mark. The reason my attempts never worked is credited to my nephews. I realized they would never get to know me for who I really was/am and I would always be known as their heartbroken aunt who wasn't strong enough to pick up the pieces and start again; this time with more knowledge, more heart and a better person. My nephews saved my life and it kills me that they will never remember the first love of my life but maybe it's better this way. As far as they know, they do know the love of my life and that's fine with me. I will never forget what my nephews have done for me and what they have given me. When God threw me a life line it was within those two boys. They too, are the loves of my life, my nephews, my life preservers.