Blogging Therapy

I was supposed to start this blog five years ago.



When you meet me you cannot see from the outside how much pain I hold on the inside. I have learned so much in my very short life about living, life, love lost and trying to find peace. I struggle everyday to thank God for what I have and not despise Him for what I have lost. Rejoice always in times of pain and happiness for there will always be a reason. Five years ago on March 21st I lost who I thought was the only love of my life. My senior year in high school I lost my best friend and the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life. Corey, was the reason I grew up long before my friends ever did. He died after beating cancer. His doctors recommended stem cell transplant to keep the cancer from returning. He was put in isolation but neither his mom, dad, sister or me had to wear gowns or gloves to see him because he was already used to our germs. I thought that was odd but I wasn't going to fight because I just wanted to see him. I spent my entire senior year at his house and at the hospital during his chemo treatments. We thought we were at the end during this stem cell transplant. A nurse had brought in RSV from the baby floor which in the end is credited to his death. He was in a coma for seven days and finally left this Earth to watch over me. Even to this day I cannot believe I lost the person my world revolved around in one second.

I have tried many things through out my years without him from trying to make him every aspect of my life to trying to completely forget he was ever a part of it. My favorite quote is "Love is a decision." When you love someone you have to choose to love someone. I chose to love Corey despite the diagnosis of cancer after we started dating. I knew God had brought me to him for a reason. I was to be his first and last true love, I was able to show him that loves endures all and is stronger than anything if you just let it. Corey has taught me so many things during his life and even way after his departure. I have learned that if I constantly remember his death as a tradegy I will forget the lessons he taught me while being in my life.

I wish I could give someone all the intangible things he gave me.
I am getting married in October to a wonderful man. I know it seems as though this may not be the right thing for me to do since I have not been able to completely let go of my first love. I believe it would be different if he was still with us. My life would be completely different, I would have already been married by now because Corey was going to propose to me when he came out of the hospital and he was completely cancer free. Sometimes I catch myself wishing I would have not decided to love him but then a second later I immediately regret that thought. Without Corey's life gracing mine; I would be a completely different person. Probably a selfish person, a jealous person, an egotistical person, and most of all I would not have my relationship with God.

The man I am marrying, Byron, has also taught me lessons I will never forget and although he would never put himself in the teacher category, he really is a wonderful role model and support system. The minute I knew I loved Byron and could not be without him stemmed from what he finally made me realize. I realized with Byron that it's not what or who you lost it's who you became on the other side of the matter. Not that he said these words; he just made me feel like I could live again. I was not the one taken back to Heaven nor would I be until God was ready for me. Because i was not taken my work on Earth is not yet finished. I have people to meet and things to say.

Byron did not make me quickly pick up the pieces of my broken heart like other men nor did he impatiently wait for me to do it by myself. He showed me that I absolutely could not do it alone and I needed someone to help with the burden I was carrying. I now know that a 100lb sack is much easier to carry divided into two halves. I love Byron and although he would never take credit for teaching me these things about love, he gave me the greatest gift of all, a second chance.

We are getting married in October and I now say to you...even though I am not fully past that fateful day nor do I believe I will ever be past that day because that was more than a 17 year should have to deal with and I would never want anyone to learn the hard way like I did; I ask you, can you really blame me for not letting my true love slip through my fingers again? What if he was sent from God Himself, that would be like slapping God in the face and i do not want to be that person.

However, what do I say when Byron tells me I cannot die before him because i will meet up with Corey and leave him all alone in Heaven? I just tell him Heaven is Heaven and if it weren't it would be hell and God has a plan. If I were meant to be with Corey in Heaven God would not have taken him so early. Byron was sent to me either by God or Corey either way both know what makes me happy and they did a great job.

Thank you. How can five years seem like an eternity and yet I blink my eyes
and it's already here?